I had a miscarriage in August and it’s now April… it has taken me awhile to write this because honestly, I just wasn’t ready.

I’ve playbacked last summer so many times and it doesn’t really get easier - but I will say you miraculously get stronger. Your ability to cope gets better and you find yourself being able to get through each day without it consuming your thoughts.

In order for you to get the full picture of my story though, I feel like I need to backtrack a bit.

Emery’s Pregnancy

We found out we were pregnant with our daughter Emery in April of 2018. In July, I had a pretty urgent surgery to remove my right ovary due to a large ovarian cyst. They spotted the very-obvious large cyst on our first ultrasound at 11 weeks and followed up with it 2 weeks later.

In case you don’t know - ovarian cysts are actually super common (especially in pregnancy) and 9 out of 10 times, there truly is no reason to worry. When my OB first spotted it at 11 weeks, he encouraged us to not worry and had us set up a follow-up ultrasound two weeks later.

Well, in that ultrasound they got a much better look at it, found it was actually about the size of a softball and needed to be removed asap. Their immediate reaction was that it was a dermoid cyst (which is super gross so don’t look it up if you don’t like that kind of stuff hah). It was so large though and had done some damage that when they went in to remove it, they actually had to take out my right ovary as well.

When I woke up from that procedure, my doctor was there ready with the doppler to see if we could find Emery’s heartbeat. Hearing her heartbeat at that moment was the largest sense of relief I could feel. Surgery and pregnancy typically don’t go hand in hand, but this was one of those non-negotiable situations and I was SO nervous throughout this process.

A few days later, we received the pathology report and it wasn’t a dermoid cyst - it was actually a low malignant tumor.

To be honest, I was so shocked as we don’t have any type of family history of ovarian cancer and followed by the shock, was the immense gratitude I felt when I realized what that could have led to if we didn’t find it early enough. Emery herself is not only the most amazing gift, but the fact that becoming pregnant with her led us to this diagnosis was a miracle in itself.

So all of that to catch you up to the fact that I actually just have one ovary. The other not so fun part is that I have a cyst on my left ovary that we have now kept an eye on for two years. I’ve been working with a GYN Oncologist and while she wants to remove that cyst and test it, we understand the risk and the potential of what could happen if the removal didn’t go smoothly. Basically, I could be left with no ovaries and in turn - no eggs… which isn’t what we want when we have the goal of growing our family.

Finding out I was pregnant in June 2020

When we found out we were pregnant again, I was so excited and so relieved because we were told with one ovary - it could take awhile to actually get pregnant. I truly thought that getting pregnant would be the difficult part so when I got that positive test, I thought it would all be a breeze from there.

I dealt with morning sickness pretty early on and just felt so confident we were having a baby in March 2021.

The hesitations started coming around 6 weeks. I had a routine ultrasound to check on that left ovarian cyst (I have one every 6 months) and I honestly was so excited that I got to have an early sneak peek at the little babe since it’s not a typical ultrasound you get during a normal pregnancy…

When I went in for that ultrasound, they got a measurement of 4w6d. If you know anything about early pregnancy, you may know that the little babe grows SO much each day and measuring 8 days behind is typically not great news…

I immediately started to expect the worse and my doctor tried to reassure me that my dates may just be off, etc. So I was brought in for a “viability ultrasound” two weeks later and my measurements grew more than 2 weeks plus there was a strong heartbeat. This is the part of the story that hits me so hard because it was a massive relief that I wish I never had.

I was measuring around 7w3d and from there - we got excited. Who wouldn’t?

We told our families, I took these cute pictures of Emery in her Big Sister t-shirt and all sense of fear or worry diminished.

So - when we got to our 12 week appointment, we were SO blindsided. We were joking with our doctor about gender, symptoms, etc and as soon as he started the ultrasound - he got super silent. His words were “I am not seeing what I should be at 12 weeks.”

Ugh - I hope you never have to hear those words, but if you have - I am sending you all the love because it’s just such a heartbreak. I am so glad Tylor was able to be in that room with me (partners are only allowed at the first appointment in our clinic due to COVID), but seeing his face drop hurt me a lot too. I automatically felt like I had failed - my body had failed us. I think this is a common and natural reaction. Logically, I knew that wasn’t true - but emotionally, it’s so hard not to blame yourself as a woman.

What happens next?

I wanted to write this part of my experience because I actually had no idea what was going to happen next. What are our options? How do I move on from this?

Being in that exam room, the whole world just stopped and I couldn’t even think about what it all meant.

My doctor was super gentle in the situation and reassured me (and both of us) that there was nothing we did to cause this and there was nothing we could have done to prevent it. But it seemed so empty at that point. All I could think about was that we weren’t having a baby…

We were given our 3 options - wait and let my body take care of everything on its own, take a pill to help the process get started or have a D&C (dilation & curettage) - a procedure that basically removes all the tissue in your uterus to remove the pregnancy.

This is where this totally becomes a personal decision… my body at this point had ZERO idea that I had miscarried. The measurements showed the baby had stopped growing around 9 weeks and I was already past 12 weeks at this appointment. It pains me to think that for so many weeks, I just thought everything was okay.

We didn’t have to make an immediate decision because my doctor did want to confirm the miscarriage first. We ended up going across the street to the Radiology center to get confirmation that there was no heartbeat. This is where they did final measurements and were unable to find a heartbeat.

What I decided to do

At this point, I honestly just wanted to get it over with. I think again, this is a personal decision on how you want to work through this - but I opted for a D&C.

We updated our families with the sad news and my mother-in-law came into town to take Emery the next day as I was going to have my surgery. The procedure itself was super simple and recovery was quick - but it definitely was the emotional part that hit me the hardest.

Just the beginning

I knew I was going to be sad after the D&C - but I don’t think I anticipated what those next few weeks held. I didn’t realize that when you go through a miscarriage, your hormone changes are similiar to postpartum… Your HCG levels drop dramatically and you go through this similar season of “baby blues” - but what sucks is that you don’t have a baby to stare at through those tears.

I have to say, I have always been SO grateful to be a mama to Emery - but this experience made me cherish motherhood to a whole new level. I simply cannot imagine going through this with a first pregnancy where you don’t have that hope of knowing your body *CAN* do it and if you’re reading this and that hits home, I am so sorry - I truly can’t imagine.

What helped me

To wrap up this long post - I wanted to share what helped me and how I did manage to get through it.

I started talking with a Pre/Post-natal Specialized Therapist. She was amazing and was so helpful. She allowed me to vent, be angry, cry and then she helped me work through it.
I had (and still have) an amazing support system. My family and friends truly showed so much love through this with little gifts, kind texts and just simple messages like “I’m here for you.” I understand that it’s hard to know what to say to someone in this situation and I would say, more than anything - be simple and just let them know you are there. Don’t be pushy, but don’t disappear either. They need you there now more than ever and sending them a little card or $5 for coffee means a lot.
I experienced a chemical pregnancy in November (a few months after my miscarriage). While this doesn’t seem like it should have helped… it gave me that hope that my body is capable of getting pregnant, it just wasn’t quite ready to hold onto it again. This chemical pregnancy gave me the mindset of simply enjoying the holidays and giving my body a break. I think trying again as soon as you are ready is totally fine, but I did need some time and I wish I would have recognized that sooner. But getting a positive test and then starting my period a few days later is what I needed to listen to my body and give it some time…
Talking about it. It’s hard to… it truly is. I wanted to hide it at first, but I realized that wouldn’t help me or the community I have. I realized that what helped me was reading other posts and experiences like mine. So that’s why I decided to share this with you <3

I can’t say it gets “easier” and the pain definitely doesn’t go away… but I can say, you get stronger and you learn how to cope with it. You ARE stronger than you think and while your story may not have gone your way, it will go the way it’s supposed to - even if it doesn’t make sense right now <3

xo Helen

My Journey Through Miscarriage and What Helped Me Through It