Breastfeeding has never come easy to me.

Ooph - this is something I have always hesitated to talk about publicly. I’ve felt embarrassed and even ashamed about it, but I am finally realizing that other mamas may want to hear my story to feel a little less alone.

With Emery, I started exclusively pumping when she was around three months old, and started supplementing with formula around five months after my supply dropped. This time around, I've actually had a great supply (our freezer is packed!), but I've severely struggled with D-MER. You can do your own research around it, but the quick Google definition is:

"An abrupt emotional "drop" that occurs in some women just before milk release and continues for not more than a few minutes. The brief negative feelings range in severity from wistfulness to self-loathing, and appear to have a physiological cause."

For me, these feelings are like severe nervousness and a wave of sadness. They go away after about the first three minutes - it's wild.

I started exclusively pumping when Booker was about three months old, because the on/off latching and switching sides caused me to have the letdown reflex more than just a few times a day. Plus he seemed to get frustrated with my slow letdown anyway. But with pumping, I have a set schedule and am able to know that the emotional drop will occur in those first few minutes, get past it, and then have milk ready for the next 1-2 feeds.

I did recently drop one pumping session which has helped my overall anxiety around pumping, and we have been supplementing with formula, which works great for us. I'm very proud of myself for making it to 7+ months of him being primarily breastfed, but also recognize that my emotional health is very important and there are some great formula options out there (we like HIPP)!

I share all of this because I had no idea what D-MER was before this breastfeeding journey and it wasn't until I talked to my OB and did my own research that I found it was an actual thing. While there's nothing to make it go away while BF, if you choose to continue, the awareness around what is happening and why is super helpful!

Here’s what helps me get through those tough moments:

+ have a warm drink/snack ready right when I start pumping

+ distract myself with a podcast, a show or being at my desk working while pumping

+ just the act of pumping vs nursing - I didn't like feeling so sad holding my baby... but with pumping, I can set apart the emotional side of pumping and the fun part of actually feeding him with a bottle

At this time (writing this 9 months pp - can’t believe my baby is 9 months!), I am still pumping and will continue to do so while it feels okay for me. But damn - breastfeeding is HARD. And if it's something that didn't work out for you in your journey, know that you are an amazing mom however you feed your baby.

I have some mama friends who breastfed til way past a year, some that exclusively pumped, some that only formula fed, and everything in between. I love hearing their stories, and I’d love to hear yours too! If you want to share your feeding journey, please send me a DM so we can chat! I think it’s so important for mamas to know they’re never alone. I also LOVE @theformulamom on Instagram as a formula resource and @lactationlab for breastfeeding support :)

My Breastfeeding Journey with D-MER

catch ya on the gram!